A Letter To Myself #5

I don’t know about you but I feel like you’d rather have your own heart broken than break someone else’s. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe you can’t commit to any relationship because part of you knows that it won’t last. Because of your fear of losing people by going into relationships that may or may not work, you end up pushing them away even before the relationship starts.

Honestly, I don’t know if this is a good thing. I feel like you’re protecting them from you because you’re so lost and confused and this wouldn’t be good for them. But what if they’re willing to be with you despite all that? Is it worth it? Would it be okay to try even if you don’t know if you actually want to? Or would you be wasting time, both yours and theirs?

God, relationships are so complicated! Maybe that’s why you avoid them as much as possible. I mean, sure you’d want to be in one someday but you have enough to deal with already. And by enough I mean your crazy indecisive self is already too much for you to handle.

The thought of someone waiting for you is also no longer welcome. I know, you used to think that if they waited it meant they really liked you and all that crap but what if they did wait and you end up not wanting to be in a relationship with them? Wouldn’t that be a waste of time and energy and everything else for whoever it is that waits? You don’t want that. You don’t want to drag someone along just because you need to feel safe. They don’t deserve that.

So, are you protecting them from falling for someone who’s so messed up or are you protecting yourself?

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