A Letter To You #3

I have this major fear of commitment. I just thought you should know. This will most probably be one of the struggles you’ll have to go through when you decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. And I think that’s the only time you should decide that you want to start a relationship with me – when you actually want to spend the rest of your life with me. Like, you’re 100% sure that you want to have a family with me and grow old with me and that you’re more than willing to deal with all my crap.

I hope you’d be able to convince me though. I am pretty hard to convince when it comes to these things. Like, the fact that I go out on dates with you won’t necessarily mean that I’d eventually want to be yours. Even if we end up going out for years, there’s still no guarantee that I’d say yes.

There are a lot of factors to consider. I can’t really put those factors into words because I honestly don’t know what it is that would make me say yes but I know that a million things go through my mind whenever someone brings up the topic and I honestly don’t know what caused this. Maybe I just really want my first one to be my last or maybe I just don’t want to waste my time and effort on someone I know I won’t end up with and I obviously don’t want them to waste their time on me also.

Okay fine, I don’t know for sure that I won’t end up with whoever tries to be a part of my life but there’s always this iffy feeling when people try and when you already get hurt even if you’re not in a relationship with this person yet then why would you want to try? I guess the walls I built a long time ago are just too high that, as of now, I still have no idea if anyone will ever be able to break it.

I don’t know. I’m just writing everything down cause I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to meet you yet but I really need you now. I just need someone.

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