How many friends will I lose to this?
How many times do I have to go through it?
How many times do I have to avoid it?
How many times do I have to say no before I finally say yes?
Will I ever say yes?
Will it ever be an option?
Or will it be a constant struggle until who knows when?
There are so many questions in my head all because of one word that I choose to avoid. One word that could break so many things: hearts, promises, relationships, friendships, anything, really. I just don’t want to make the same mistakes again.
When I say yes I want to be 100% sure that it’s what I want. I don’t want to be forced into it. I don’t want to feel so bad about not saying yes that I’d end up saying it anyway. I don’t want to say it because I’m lonely or because I need someone to constantly talk to. I don’t want to say it without knowing why I’m saying it.
I want it to be a conscious decision. I want to be ready. Maybe eventually I will be ready but right now I’m more lost than I’ve ever been and I’m pretty sure now’s not the time to be ready. I need time to be ready. I need time to say yes.