I feel like you’re about to enter your crazy bubble again and I need you to snap out of it. You do not have time for drama. You do not have time for distractions. You decided to take on so many things so now you have to face the consequences and focus on all the shit that you have to do.
Right now your number one priority is yourself. Number two is your “career” (if you actually have one). You might get another client soon so you have to get used to your current situation before that possible new job comes along. I don’t know why you keep saying yes to these things but if that’s what will keep you busy then I say keep ’em coming.
You have to figure out how to squeeze in your daily routines to this new busy schedule of yours. And by daily routines I mean working out, skincare, actually sleeping for eight hours, watching your tv shows, etc. You have to make time for you or else you’ll get so tired and you’ll hate what you’re doing. Don’t let it reach that point.
You got this. Might take some getting used to but once you figure it out, you’ll be fine.
I don’t know about you but I feel like you’d rather have your own heart broken than break someone else’s. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe you can’t commit to any relationship because part of you knows that it won’t last. Because of your fear of losing people by going into relationships that may or may not work, you end up pushing them away even before the relationship starts.
Honestly, I don’t know if this is a good thing. I feel like you’re protecting them from you because you’re so lost and confused and this wouldn’t be good for them. But what if they’re willing to be with you despite all that? Is it worth it? Would it be okay to try even if you don’t know if you actually want to? Or would you be wasting time, both yours and theirs?
God, relationships are so complicated! Maybe that’s why you avoid them as much as possible. I mean, sure you’d want to be in one someday but you have enough to deal with already. And by enough I mean your crazy indecisive self is already too much for you to handle.
The thought of someone waiting for you is also no longer welcome. I know, you used to think that if they waited it meant they really liked you and all that crap but what if they did wait and you end up not wanting to be in a relationship with them? Wouldn’t that be a waste of time and energy and everything else for whoever it is that waits? You don’t want that. You don’t want to drag someone along just because you need to feel safe. They don’t deserve that.
So, are you protecting them from falling for someone who’s so messed up or are you protecting yourself?
Right now you’re more confused than you’ve ever been in your twenty three years of existence. Your heart is saying one thing while your head keeps saying something else and for once you have no idea which side you should take. All you know is that listening to your heart could make you happy but listening to your head could make the one you love happy. And right now he means more to you than anyone else, yourself included.
I know this is about you trying to protect him from the side of you that you can’t control. You’ve said a million times that you’d give him a chance, that you’d give your relationship a chance, and that you’d actually try to make things work but have you been trying? Have you been willingly trying to suppress that side of you that you hate, that side of you that you think he hates? Or did you just give up like you always do?
Now it’s too late to try. Asking him to give you one more chance after he gave you plenty is already too much. You’ve broken his heart too many times to think about the possibility of maybe breaking it again when you eventually give in to the side of you that everyone hates.
Maybe it really is time to move on, both for you and for him. Stop breaking his heart. He deserves someone who will take care of it, not someone who will break it multiple times and still want to continue doing so.
I wish you could stop thinking for a while. Maybe even stop feeling. Specially now that everything hurts so much. I know you don’t want it to hurt but I guess that’s not something you can control.
It sucks that you have all these things going on and you have no one to talk to about them but you can always write them down like what you’re doing now. I guess it’s the only thing you can do. You’re losing people one by one and there’s nothing you can do to stop them from leaving. You can try changing who you are but I don’t think that would make them change how they see you. Not anymore.
You’re trying. I can see that you’re trying. You’re a good person. You should know that. It’s just that, you have a lot on your plate and a lot of things that you’re afraid of. You know what happens when you worry. Everything becomes annoying, you don’t want to do anything, you just think of all the bad things that could happen. You let all the stress eat you up and you become this extremely angry person that you’re not proud of.
I don’t like it when you tun into that version of you. It’s that side of you that chooses to look at all the bad things that are happening in your life. It’s that side of you that chooses to be mean and to hate things more than you usually do. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t let that side of you win. Because when it wins, bad things happen. You end up with a broken heart, you lose people you love, you end up being alone. I know you hate that.
You’ll get through this. I know how hard it’s been for you but you will get through this. Stop being afraid of change. It’s time that you step out of your comfort zone. This is the perfect opportunity to find yourself, to figure out what it is that you want to do with your life. Have fun! Be free! Don’t let the walls that you built up to protect yourself keep you from enjoying life. Because life is good. You just have to believe that it’s good.
The other day you had this dream about a man that you were pretty sure you loved. It was a good dream, pretty great actually, until that man died. It left you feeling awful and heartbroken even if you had no idea who this man was and if you’ll ever actually meet him. It wasn’t just an emotional kind of pain, it was physical. It was the heart being crushed kind of pain and it left you in tears.
It’s amazing how a dream could make you feel so much pain. Pain that you’ve never even felt in real life. I think it’s because of your desire to find love as soon as possible. And it’s not just any kind of love that you want, you want the give your heart and soul kind of love but you’re not willing to do that unless you know that he’s the right guy.
But how will you know if he’s what they call “The one?” Will you feel it? Will you look into his eyes and know that you’re meant to be together? It’s frustrating that there is no clear sign for it.
If the one really does exist, I hope you find him soon. I know it’s not the right time because you’re obviously broken but maybe he could push you to fix yourself. If that’s even possible.
This is the first letter I’m going to write to you and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last. Right now you’re going through something that I don’t think you’ve ever experienced before. You’re so detached and unhappy for reasons that you don’t even understand. It may be because you lost two people who you loved very much in a span of six months or it can be because of the lack of love in your life. Whatever the reason is, I know you’ll get through this.
You’ve always wanted to become a strong and independent woman and I think now is the best time to understand how you can grow into someone you’ll love. That’s one of your flaws, you see. You don’t love yourself enough and I think that’s also one of the biggest reasons why you’re unhappy. Learn to love yourself even if you can’t find a reason to do so. I mean, if you don’t love yourself, how will you expect others to love you?
I hope this idea will help you get rid of the thoughts that haunt you. I hope it helps you grow and become the person that you long to be. Always remember that you deserve to be happy.