I have this major fear of commitment. I just thought you should know. This will most probably be one of the struggles you’ll have to go through when you decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. And I think that’s the only time you should decide that you want to start a relationship with me – when you actually want to spend the rest of your life with me. Like, you’re 100% sure that you want to have a family with me and grow old with me and that you’re more than willing to deal with all my crap.
I hope you’d be able to convince me though. I am pretty hard to convince when it comes to these things. Like, the fact that I go out on dates with you won’t necessarily mean that I’d eventually want to be yours. Even if we end up going out for years, there’s still no guarantee that I’d say yes.
There are a lot of factors to consider. I can’t really put those factors into words because I honestly don’t know what it is that would make me say yes but I know that a million things go through my mind whenever someone brings up the topic and I honestly don’t know what caused this. Maybe I just really want my first one to be my last or maybe I just don’t want to waste my time and effort on someone I know I won’t end up with and I obviously don’t want them to waste their time on me also.
Okay fine, I don’t know for sure that I won’t end up with whoever tries to be a part of my life but there’s always this iffy feeling when people try and when you already get hurt even if you’re not in a relationship with this person yet then why would you want to try? I guess the walls I built a long time ago are just too high that, as of now, I still have no idea if anyone will ever be able to break it.
I don’t know. I’m just writing everything down cause I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to meet you yet but I really need you now. I just need someone.
It’s February 14. I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day and all the crap that comes with it but maybe you do. I can’t promise to be all sweet and shit on this particular day. Maybe I’d even be the opposite. Like, every February 14 I’ll be the worst person on the planet and you’ll just have to deal with it but I’ll shower you with love and unexpected presents the rest of the year. Wouldn’t that be better than just celebrating love once a year?
I don’t know. I just don’t see the point of this whole day. I’m not bitter or anything. I just feel like showing someone you love them on a daily basis (or on a random day that’s completely unexpected with no special occasion whatsoever) is better than showing someone you love them by doing extra cheesy things (which is expected of you) on a specific day.
Anyway, I spent the day doing errands and then after all those things I decided that I wanted to get my hair cut. You should know that I love cutting my hair. I find it super relaxing. If I could cut my hair everyday, I would. Maybe a free trip to the salon would be a nice gift (take note).
Finding you is taking forever. I’m not in a hurry or anything. I actually don’t want to find you yet since I’m currently in the process of finding myself but it would be nice to have someone. I do have friends and people I love more than anything but I guess it feels different when you know that you’ll always have this one person (you eventually) who’ll love you and be there for you no matter what.
I’m starting to sound like a cheesy yucky person and I hate cheesy yucky people. I’ll meet you eventually. I hope you’re not moping around cause you don’t have a date or that you’re enjoying your date with whoever you’re with now (but not too much cause I might not meet you if you do).
I miss you but I’m glad you’re happy.
I have no idea who you are but I dreamt about you once. It was a lovely dream but it ended in the worst possible way. I don’t know what it means but ever since I had that dream I had this fear that every person that I’d end up loving will leave me because of who I am. I know I’m the hardest person to please and my mood doesn’t really help so maybe I can help you by letting you know what you can do to make me happy.
I don’t need you to take me on fancy dates (because I don’t like spending a huge amount of money on things and I’m not going to let you pay for everything). Simple things like pizza and Jollibee and even street food like taho or squid balls will make me happy.
I don’t want to spend every date watching a movie because we won’t get to talk when we’re watching a movie. I want to get to know you. I want to know everything about you. What your childhood was like, the silly things you did when you were a kid, your fears, the things that put a smile on your face, everything. So dates that would allow us to get to know more about each other would be great.
I want things to be spontaneous. I’m not a big fan of routines when it comes to relationships so going on a random trip to a place we’ve never been to or exploring new restaurants and seeing new things would be a wonderful adventure for us both.
I don’t need fancy gifts cause I appreciate putting effort into something more. I don’t need flowers or jewelry and the sort. I like hand written notes and mixtapes and gifts that I know you actually thought of instead of gifts that you can just buy.
I like random surprises but I don’t like major surprises on days that mean something (ie. my birthday, valentine’s day, etc). Surprises on random days seem more special than on days where you’re expected to do something special.
I like asking questions and being asked questions. I’m a very curious person and I enjoy learning new things everyday. I also like being quizzed on things that I’ve read or movies that I’ve seen so maybe that could be a fun thing for us to do. And if we can’t think of any questions we can look for trivia games online and just play the whole day.
I love it when people notice the little things about a person. I find it sweet that someone would remember something you said once. Remembering the little things is important because I feel like the little things can make or break a relationship.
I know it’s a lot and I don’t know if that’s enough but maybe you’ll figure out some of the things that can make me happy on your own. Maybe you’d be enough to make me happy. I don’t know. But I promise to try to make you happy too. We’ll make each other happy. I’m looking forward to meeting you and if we already know each other then maybe we’ll get to do things that could make us both happy soon.
I guess I shouldn’t use the term “constant” anymore since right now that’s not the case. I guess that’s my fault for pushing you away by being awful all the time. I’m sorry. I don’t understand why I’m so mean to you. I don’t know if it’s me trying to push you away because I’m scared of falling or if it’s me trying to push you away because I want you to live your own life.
We’ve been going through this for years now and I honestly don’t know if it’s worth all the trouble. I know you’re trying to get rid of the habits that I find annoying but I still can’t find it in me to accept them. It’s either that or maybe I’m just trying to look for reasons to be mad.
I don’t know what to do. I want to keep you in my life but maybe you’re doing the right thing by staying away from me, by living your life the way you want to. If that’s what will make you happy then I guess I just have to live with that. It’s the least I could do after everything I’ve put you through. You deserve to be happy.
I know I haven’t been around much and I can’t really find the right words to explain why but I really appreciate how you’ve been so understanding of the whole situation. I don’t know when I’ll be my old self again or if I’ll ever go back to being how I used to be so I really hope you don’t get tired of trying to be there for me.
Lately, I’ve been pushing everyone away including you but that doesn’t mean that I don’t consider you as my best friend anymore. I just don’t know how to interact with people. I don’t know what to say. I don’t have it in me to keep conversations going. I feel better talking to myself on social media than talking to actual people. It’s crazy!
I believe that this time apart isn’t just for me. It’s also time for us to understand how we really feel about each other. I think I’m slowly realizing things on a more permanent level, which I guess is a good thing. I’ll talk about that some other time but now I just really want to thank you for understanding the way I feel even if I can’t even put it into words.