2018 Days 15 & 16

Oh no! I skipped two days! Honestly, it’s because I don’t know what to say. I ran out of topics from writing every day. So now I’m just blabbing trying to find a way to fill this blog and make you (readers) stay. 

Any topics you want to suggest?

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2018 Day 14

I finally decided to buy my own Klean Kanteen tumbler! I’ve been wanting to buy one for years now and I’m so happy that I finally did. I didn’t get the actual shade and size that I wanted but I guess it’s good enough.

I’m thinking of buying my own Starbucks tumbler for my cold drinks like my favorite drink, iced white chocolate mocha, and for random frappuccino cravings. I’m also thinking of buying metal straws (both the small one and the big one for milk tea) so I won’t have to use the plastic straws that come with the drinks that we buy outside. I guess this is my way of helping the Earth out by using more reusable items instead of the disposable ones.

What other things can we do to help the earth out and live a green lifestyle?

2018 Day 13

It’s funny how you find yourself wanting to be a part of something that used to make you feel really uncomfortable. It’s also funny how one night can make you realize that all the negativity you once felt and all the judgement that never even happened was all in your head.

Before graduating, I had my sights set on working for a specific company mainly because I wanted to improve my production skills and maybe from there move on to something greater. I was given a chance to try working there and because I knew almost everyone from school, it made me feel very uncomfortable and a bit useless. Which is probably why I didn’t end up in that company.

In the recent years I was given a chance to work with said company but on a different project. I still had major fears of being judged for my work but I didn’t let my fear get to me unlike how it did before. To this day I’m still working on this project and I feel pretty good about my progress.

Yesterday was their company party and I was given the chance to attend and be a part of it. I didn’t really feel like I belonged but I didn’t feel like and outcast either. And that’s a really big improvement as compared to how I used to feel. I guess it’s just all about the mind and the thoughts you choose to put in it. 

I know I can be pretty negative and paranoid when it comes to making friends and it’s really difficult for me to keep all the thoughts away but maybe that should be my first step. 

2018 Day 12

Smiling takes a lot of effort now because of my braces. Aside from that it’s making me feel extremely insecure because I feel absolutely ugly. It’s probably because I’m not used to seeing myself look like this but I hope I stop feeling this way soon.

I had so much anxiety going into this because they said I’d be in so much pain. As of now, it’s not as painful as I thought. It feels a bit weird when I eat cause I can’t figure out if I’m chewing the food or the braces and I really feel like it’s going to fall off. 

24 with braces and glasses feels a bit strange but it’s going to take away one of my biggest insecurities. Here’s to looking and feeling better (after 2 or 3 more years).

2018 Day 11

I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be famous. I guess it’s because all of my dreams are related to being famous (victoria’s secret model, tv host, dj, lead in a musical, etc). They say you should do whatever it takes to chase your dreams but what if it’s your entire being that limits you from going after them? What if chasing your dreams also means being uncomfortable for the rest of your life? Would they still be worth fighting for?

I’m pretty sure I’m an introvert. Well, at least now I am. My parents used to tell me stories of when I was a kid and how I had all of these friends and I was always front and center during class performances but for some reason everything changed when I entered the first grade. Everything became a chore. I hid in bathroom stalls just to get out of being club president and lied about things to avoid being shamed by the truth. And it went on like that for a pretty long time. 

Sometimes I wish I were a completely different person just so I could accomplish these things that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a little girl. But it’s not that easy to change who you are especially when you don’t know why you started acting the way you currently do. 

It’s just a lot to take in. There are things in life that we remeber and things in life that our brain chooses to forget. And I guess that confident, friendly, and extrovert version of me was one of those memories that didn’t make the cut. 

2018 Day 10

I forgot to write! Well, I had to write something that was due a few days ago so I did that first. 

Anyway, I don’t know why I keep trying to please people who don’t really care about me. Well, I’m not 100% sure if they don’t but it feels that way. 

It’s so strange because they’re not even people I’m really close to. But I guess the problem is that I want to be close to them. Probably pathetic but I can’t help it. I just feel like I don’t have as much friends that I need (sorry friends). 

I guess it has something to do with me feeling alone despite being surrounded by a bunch of people. It sucks to know that you don’t have that go to person in an environment where you need it most. Probably my fault for not knowing how to make friends. 

2018 Day 9

I no longer know what it feels like to sleep early and to wake up before lunch. The holidays kicked my poor body clock to the curb. 

Anyway, today was moving day at the office and it feels so strange to be at a new desk with a different set of people. I’ve been working with them for a while now but I haven’t really been at the same area with them unless it’s during a shoot. I hope the move will help me create more meaningful relationships with them. Same goes for the people sitting near our area.

I still don’t know how I feel about this big change but this is the first time someone asked me to eat lunch with them and it felt good to be asked. I just feel like it took me too long to actually make friends. I’ve been with the company for 9 months and I’m still not sure if I can call these people friends or acquaintances. I hope this will change soon.