Nine

I find it frustrating that we spend most of our time on social media creating false connections and building friendships that only exist through a screen.

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Commitment

I’ve decided to at least try to help myself be more healthy (physically cause my mental health isn’t really something I can control at the moment). Since I have commitment issues, I guess this is something I can actually try to commit to. I hope something good comes out of this and when I’m fully happy with the way I look physically then maybe I can start trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my mental state.

Isolated

You have all these people in your life but it feels like none of them know who you really are. It feels as if no one will ever understand you or what you’re going through. How can they when you can’t even explain to yourself why you feel the way you do?

You are alone in a sea of people and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can try to convince yourself that you fit in somewhere, that you belong, but it’s possible that you’ll never find your place in this world. No matter how hard you tell yourself to try, to fight, that feeling of being left out won’t go away.

You know in your heart that you won’t ever take your own life but it’s always a thought that pops up and it will never be something that isn’t scary. You just want someone to care. You just want to feel something other than this. Whatever this is. But you know doing that won’t change anything but, based on other shows you’ve seen about it, it might make things harder for the people you’ll leave behind and you don’t want that. You don’t want to be even more of a burden than you already are.

So how do you get out of this state? How do you feel as if you are actually a part of something? How?

Freedom

It frustrates me that I can’t fully detach myself from the things that are (possibly) driving me crazy. The fact that I can’t completely disappear due to the nature of my work stresses me out because I want to disappear. Maybe not disappear forever but right now that’s what I think I need.

I need to detach myself from technology, from people, from thoughts that I know I shouldn’t be having, from distractions. I just need time to be free of all things that hinder me from being free.

Right now I’m still at that point where I want people to look for me and I want people to notice that I’m gone. I feel like I should only allow myself to go back to using any social media platform when I no longer care about something so petty. This constant need for attention won’t do me any good so this is my way of trying to get rid of that need.

I look forward to that moment when I won’t need anyone to see me. I look forward to that day that I will no longer need validation to feel okay about myself. When that happens, I can proudly say that I am finally free.