Never Grow Up

I remember creating a timeline for myself as a young girl–by 20 I’d be in a stable relationship, by 30 I’d be married to my boyfriend for 10 years, by 32 I’d have my first baby, you get the drill. By doing this I didn’t realize that I was setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m turning 25 this year. Still single, never had a boyfriend, and on a weird career path. Basically, still a crazy mess. Why I thought I’d have my life figured out by the age of 20 is beyond me.

Why were we in such a hurry to grow up? And now that we’re adults we find ourselves wanting to turn back time. To go back to when things were simple and carefree.

I’m not sure why I decided to write about this. I guess the uncertainties of life just got to me.

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04-06-18

“Na-realize ko na never ko na-feel iyon with anyone. Yung feeling na alam niyong dalawa na siya lang yung para sayo and ikaw lang din yung para sa kanya. Wish ko lang na you have that kind of security.”

(I realized that the level of security I have with him is something that I’ve never had with anyone before. The feeling that you both know that you’re the one for him and he’s the one for you. I wish you had that kind of security.)

I met up with a friend the other day and, because I was feeling down, I suddenly had the need to tell her all about how I was feeling. I’ve been in this rut for quite some time now and I’m not sure how to get out of it so I thought maybe she’d have an opinion on whether or not I was being stupid. Basically, I was and maybe I still am. 

Being in a relationship isn’t my thing. I’ve gone out on dates (if you could actually call those dates) but they were just…dates. Nothing bigger ever came after. And I thought I’d be used to it by now but I guess you just can’t help but feel lonely sometimes. Then you end up looking back and thinking “what did I do wrong?”

It’s strange how you always end up thinking that you’re the one at fault. You’re the reason why no one wants to go out with you, you’re the reason why people choose to leave, you’re the reason why things don’t work out, etc. You always assume that you’re the problem. And maybe in some situations it’s true. But you can’t possibly be the only one at fault seeing that relationships are made up of two people. Two.

I guess the problem is that I keep finding myself in situations wherein one person likes the other person more. Which is already a really big disadvantage, I guess. My mom told me once to find someone who will love me more than I love him which I used to think was a good idea but after one experience, I realized that I won’t be able to live my life in peace knowing that I’m not going to be able to return the same kind of love even if I try.

There should be an unspoken understanding between you and your significant other that the love you have for each other is equal. That you don’t see yourself with anyone else. The kind of security that my friend was talking about. 

I realized that I wanted that, that I deserve that. And maybe someday, I will have that.