Regrets

I just spent the last couple of hours reading old posts and old notes, some from seven years ago. Now it’s almost 5AM, I can’t sleep, and I’m crying about some of the decisions I made that I can no longer change. Wondering about all of the what ifs that could’ve happened if I chose one thing over the other.

I wish I didn’t make life as complicated as I did, both for myself and for the other people that were affected by my choices. I wish I followed my heart more. Maybe I’d actually be with the person I think I still want to be with now.

But I guess life is more complicated now. We’re getting older and time isn’t really going to slow down for anyone. Do we still have time to make bad decisions?

This Should Be Enough

A reason to smile everyday should be enough
Someone who’d make me laugh like an idiot just by saying silly things
Someone to go on small weekend adventures with
Someone I can jam with
Someone who’d help me see how beautiful I am in his eyes by capturing the smallest moments and making them big
Someone who respects my decisions and is willing to understand the mess that I am
Someone who’s willing to go through all my shit with me
Someone who’ll stay up with me even if we’re both too tired to speak
Someone I can talk to about anything and everything
Someone who’d remember the little things
Someone I can rely on
Someone I can trust
This isn’t everything
But all of this should be enough
Maybe if I knew what it was that I needed it would be enough

A Letter To Myself #5

I don’t know about you but I feel like you’d rather have your own heart broken than break someone else’s. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe you can’t commit to any relationship because part of you knows that it won’t last. Because of your fear of losing people by going into relationships that may or may not work, you end up pushing them away even before the relationship starts.

Honestly, I don’t know if this is a good thing. I feel like you’re protecting them from you because you’re so lost and confused and this wouldn’t be good for them. But what if they’re willing to be with you despite all that? Is it worth it? Would it be okay to try even if you don’t know if you actually want to? Or would you be wasting time, both yours and theirs?

God, relationships are so complicated! Maybe that’s why you avoid them as much as possible. I mean, sure you’d want to be in one someday but you have enough to deal with already. And by enough I mean your crazy indecisive self is already too much for you to handle.

The thought of someone waiting for you is also no longer welcome. I know, you used to think that if they waited it meant they really liked you and all that crap but what if they did wait and you end up not wanting to be in a relationship with them? Wouldn’t that be a waste of time and energy and everything else for whoever it is that waits? You don’t want that. You don’t want to drag someone along just because you need to feel safe. They don’t deserve that.

So, are you protecting them from falling for someone who’s so messed up or are you protecting yourself?