It’s Been A While

I’d be lying to myself if I say I haven’t gotten attention from the people I’ve shown interest in for the past few years. I was pretty much able to “go out” with most of them. If you call hanging out a few times and talking over the phone (or in person) until dawn “going out.”

I remember moments where I felt happy meeting someone for the 1st time and just getting to know them on a deeper level. I remember how happy I felt when I found out that our feelings were mutual. I also remember being freaked out by confessions that happened too fast. I remember the struggles of dating when one becomes too possessive while still at the stage of getting to know each other. I remember feeling cock blocked by someone who cheated on me multiple times (I forgave him). I remember being in the same room with two people who were interested in me and not knowing what to do. But was that it? Is this it for me?

I haven’t met anyone that sparked interest in over a year. Well, I have, but I guess I got a little greedy and nothing really came out of something that could’ve been great. Or I just thought there was something there when there wasn’t. Probably the latter.

I’m turning 28 in a few months. I’d like to think that there is no deadline for finding love but I can’t help but feel like there is. We’ve built timelines for ourselves at such a young age and have based so much of our decisions on those timelines that it’s hard to shake them off once things don’t go as planned. But, like I said, I’ve had a few chances. But none of them felt right.

Is it supposed to feel right? Do we really just know once we meet someone that we want to spend the rest of our lives with them? Or am I thinking too much like a hopeless romantic?

I don’t know why I’m thinking of love at 5:30AM instead of going back to sleep. I really don’t know. I guess I just miss the feeling of having someone to hold on to.

September

September isn’t my favorite month and I’ve made that pretty clear for quite some time now. I don’t remember when exactly it started but I usually get a string of bad luck around this week–from being left by the school bus multiple times to having to stay away from my family, from getting my phone stolen to having to walk through Ondoy flood with my grandparents…it’s been rough.

Aside from all the unfortunate events, the month also comes with a lot of expectations that personally, I can’t really avoid having. You see, I have this fear of being forgotten. I also have this idea in my head that I don’t really have any close friends (probably just the result of my major anxiety issues). So I tend to get all mopey a few weeks into the month until the day I turn another year older.

People have this idea that I like to be surprised and to celebrate in a grand way but honestly, all I want is to be remembered. I just want to spend as much time as possible surrounded by my favorite people and to just talk and enjoy their company. Nothing fancy. Which I guess usually makes me seem ungrateful because I don’t think anyone’s figured that out yet. They spend so much time planning surprises and what not that we don’t really end up getting to spend time together and that’s what makes me sad. I’m happy that they took the time and effort to do those things but I guess that’s just not the best way to make me feel loved.

Here I go again. Sounding ungrateful. I’m sorry. It’s just that I make it known to the world what my love language is and how I’d like to be treated but I guess people generally ignore that. Maybe people just naturally project their own version of happiness onto others thinking it would make them feel the same way. I dunno. I guess that’s why I’m extra careful when it comes to giving gifts. I just want to make sure that I give people something that they actually want and to make sure that they feel loved.

I have a few more days to go before I go back to feeling normal. But I do hope it ends up being a good day, hopefully greater than the rest of this year.

A Piece of My Mind

It’s been a while since I last made time to turn my thoughts into words. I’ve been pretty busy with work and with trying to keep myself sane that I haven’t really thought about writing down my thoughts as a priority but a drama that I watched recently triggered my desire to write.

A Piece of Your Mind is a Korean drama that I just finished watching recently and it gave me a lot to think about. It discussed topics like grief, loss, depression, regrets, longing, relationships, and a lot more that, for some reason, affected me a lot. I don’t know if it’s because I long to be in the same kind of relationship as the lead couple in the story or if it’s because I know how it feels to lose a loved one unexpectedly. It was honestly a lot to handle and I cried a few times but it was actually a very healing experience.

I’ve been pretty down recently and I think it’s because I feel trapped and alone. The pandemic forced all of us to stay at home and I’ve been stuck at home for more than six months now. I miss my friends. I miss being in a different environment. And I guess that’s what triggered this sense of longing.

The characters in the drama found each other in the most unusual way and I found myself wanting a similar experience. They didn’t realize that they were slowly falling for each other and it was just so comforting to watch two people who had similar childhood experiences slowly realize their love for each other. Being together helped them realize and overcome their traumas. And having someone who can comfort you that way, someone who you can come home to and just be a shoulder to lean on seems like a wonderful thing to me. But at the same time, it feels so far from reality.

The way I want my life to pan out is so different from how it actually is and there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I mean, how do you even meet new people while you’re stuck at home? Dating apps have crossed my mind but it really doesn’t feel authentic to me. It’s not because I’m scared or anything like that. It just doesn’t feel like the person you could possibly match with is on the app for the same reason you are. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I don’t think I’m running out of time or anything like that. I just think it would be nice to live in a house with the person who you find the most comfort in. Something I might not be able to experience any time soon.

Tick Tock

What do you do when time seems to be working against you? How do you know when you’re meant to be with someone in the future but not right at this moment? Are there clear signs that point towards what people call destiny? Or is it all just a plot they use in movies to make you feel happy about life and finding love?

There are so many questions about meeting the right person but people rarely ask about time and circumstance. What if you’ve already met the right person but time just wasn’t on your side the moment you did? He could be with a different girl, you could be with a different guy. Things could’ve been complicated but you’ve met and that’s what’s important.

What’s the next step? Will you both move towards the same direction which is to reach the point where you could be together? Or will one choose to be in their comfort zone and stay in their current relationship? Is it worth it? Is he/she worth it?

And if one chooses to stay and the other decides to leave does that count as bad timing or was it a choice made for the other person without him or her having to ask? Wouldn’t one person staying despite knowing that someone else left their person to be together mean that they’re making a choice to not try being in a relationship even in the future?

Or does time really count? Is it possible for two people who chose to stay apart to end up together in the end? Or is that just something we see in big movie screens?

What makes someone leave their significant other for someone they think they’re supposed to be with? And if they do end up together, is it a good thing? Or is it love tainted by a little bit of hate from past relationships of both parties?

There’s so much to ask about how people end up together and how time plays a big role in how people find each other but I guess there really isn’t anyone who can answer these questions but the people involved. So is there a point in dwelling on the what ifs of a could’ve been good relationship or should we just let time take its course?

Regrets

I just spent the last couple of hours reading old posts and old notes, some from seven years ago. Now it’s almost 5AM, I can’t sleep, and I’m crying about some of the decisions I made that I can no longer change. Wondering about all of the what ifs that could’ve happened if I chose one thing over the other.

I wish I didn’t make life as complicated as I did, both for myself and for the other people that were affected by my choices. I wish I followed my heart more. Maybe I’d actually be with the person I think I still want to be with now.

But I guess life is more complicated now. We’re getting older and time isn’t really going to slow down for anyone. Do we still have time to make bad decisions?

Keep Moving Forward

“What do you want to do with your life?” he asked. She looked at him with confused eyes, scrunched her shoulders up and said “I don’t know. I guess I haven’t figured that out yet.”

This question bothered her throughout the rest of their meal. He’s got his life all figured out. He’s moving out of his mom’s house, he has a stable job, and earns enough to be able to travel whenever he wants. And she’s juggling three different jobs that don’t pay her enough, she has no plans of choosing a particular path to focus on, and no plans of moving out any time soon. No plans. Period.

It didn’t bother her before. She used to enjoy the life she chose for herself. She owned her time. She does what she wants to do when she wants to do them. To her, that was the life. But seeing everybody slowly settling down, getting married, having kids, getting promoted, and simply growing made her feel that she wasn’t.

“We’re all different,” she kept telling herself. Maybe this is how she’s supposed to grow. Maybe this is how she’s supposed to figure herself out. “But why do I feel like I’m falling behind?”

Life was always complicated for her. And the only thing that she wanted to do was to make enough money so that her future family won’t have to experience what she went through. While others had goals of becoming doctors, lawyers, dancers, and what not, her goal was just to be financially stable. How? She had no idea.

Jobs were easy to find because she had connections. Were they jobs she actually saw herself doing? Sure, at first. But things changed and she started moving towards a different path. From one job, she ended up juggling five and she was even willing to take up more just to be able to save as much as she can. She handled herself well despite having so much on her plate. She even had time to go out and meet up with her friends despite her busy schedule.

When one door closed, another opened and she never ran out of opportunities. But the jobs she loved, for some reason, were the jobs that she had to let go of. Not because she couldn’t handle them, but because they weren’t doing as well as everyone thought they would.

That’s when she started losing the motivation to keep working. She wanted to grow in those fields, but how could she when they no longer existed? The transition was tough but she didn’t have a choice. She had to keep earning, both for herself and for her family. So she kept going. She kept moving forward without thinking of what would happen next.

To keep going. Maybe that should’ve been the answer to his question.

Alone

I stepped out for the first time
Into a world that was completely unknown to me
Was I excited? No
Was I looking forward to it? No
Why? I don’t know
I was more in distress than I’ve ever been in my life
And people I’ve turned to don’t seem to understand

People keep saying I should be grateful that I got the chance to travel
Or to just enjoy the memories that the trip gave me
But they don’t seem to get that I was lonely
That I am lonely
That they’re invalidating my feelings by telling me I should be happy
They can’t seem to grasp the fact that it wasn’t good for me

It was a reminder of how alone I am
That I don’t have “my person”
That no matter how many people surround me, I still feel alone

People don’t listen
People don’t understand
I just want someone to understand

Finding Myself In Japan

I’ve been away from home for around seven days now and I’ve realized a few things about myself:

1. I don’t eat when I’m alone. I don’t know if it’s because I’m too lazy to look for my own food, if it’s because I don’t want to spend, or maybe I just forget to do it but I just don’t eat.

2. I have an amazing sense of direction (when Google maps cooperates lol). I’ve known this even before I went on this trip but I’ve proven it to myself even more now. I can actually go around without checking the map and find my way back with just one look.

3. I don’t like being in situations that could possibly embarrass me (specially in front of people I know). I don’t know if it’s my pride or some other part of me that gets affected but I really don’t like to look like a fool in front of people that I know and maybe even liked at some point. It adds to my whole “I’m shy” demeanor.

4. I’m not afraid of heights but I’m afraid of falling. After going to three different observation decks, I realized that heights isn’t the issue. I’m more afraid of the possibility of falling from said height. Like any uncontrollable situation that could lead to me falling stresses me out.

5. I don’t like making the first move (in any situation). I thought that I’d get to meet new people and be more out there cause of my whole capsule hotel situation but that’s not really the case. I’ve only been to the common area once since I got here and I didn’t really know how to start a conversation with anyone. How do extroverts do it?

6. I’m still afraid of doing some things on my own. I think this first trip out of the country by myself is very liberating but there were still some things that I did that I wished I had some company. I just feel like there are things you can enjoy doing alone and things that are more fun to do with friends or a significant other.

7. I have a tendency to let other people control my life without them actually controlling it. I can be a pushover. I may look tough but if I have a soft spot in my heart for you I’d probably do anything I can to make you happy even if it’s at the expense of being difficult for me.

8. I am a patient person. I usually say that I’m not but during this trip, I realized that I am a very patient peron. I can wait in line for hours or wait for something even if it could lead to me just being disappointed.

I still have two days left before I have to leave Japan and go back home. I’m honestly hoping for something to happen but that’s highly unlikely knowing me. But I’ll share what I’m talking about when or if it happens.